Dear UBC,

​​

One last article on welcoming newcomers, and this one is for anyone who feels like they would really like to be a more welcoming presence to folks showing up for the first time at UBC but who don’t quite know how to get a conversation started. Here are a few tips that might be helpful to you:​

 

1. Ask questions that you don’t know the answers to (open questions), not questions that you believe you already know the answers to. For example: 
   
   Instead of asking, “Are you a student?” try asking, “What are you up to in life?”
   
   Instead of asking, “Are you just here for a year or two?” (assuming they’re in an academic program), try asking, “What brought you to the area?”
   
   Having served in university-adjacent church before, it can often seem commonsensical that someone new is probably a student. But there can be some classism and subtle elitism bound up in making that your first question that might be off-putting to someone who isn’t connected to the University.
    

2. If you aren’t sure if someone is new or has been around a while and you just haven’t met them, consider saying something like: “I’m not sure if we’ve met yet. I’m Cody.” (I have it a little easier because I can also tell them that I’m pretty new here as well, so I don’t always know who is new and who has been around for a while.) But this can be helpful in cases when a person has been showing up for a month or two and you just haven’t met them. It can get to be a little annoying if you’ve been around for months but are still being treated like a first-timer.
    

3. Ask questions that invite people into a place of comfort in speaking about themselves so that they don’t feel put on the spot. For example, a series of yes/no questions can feel like an interrogation. Instead, ask a gentle, not-too-prying, question about themselves:
   
   “How did you find your way to UBC? What drew you here?”
   “What are you enjoying in life these days?
   “Do you have family in town?” (Instead of asking about a spouse or something more specific.)
    

4. Avoid microaggressions related to perceived international diversity. Many people who look like they may be from another country or who speak with an accent are victims of “perpetual foreigner” microaggresions whereby people constantly ask them, “Where are you from?” when they may very well be from right here. Instead try a question like:
   
   “Have you been in Minneapolis a while or did you recently move here?” This question presumes that the person may very well be from here and gives them the opportunity to say they aren’t and where they came from if they’d like to.
    

5. If you aren’t sure how to pronounce someone’s name, just ask, “Can you help me with the pronunciation of your name?” Or, if they’ve told you before, you can just say, “Can you say your name one more time?” It’s usually better than guessing.
    

6. If a lull in the conversation emerges, consider bringing someone else into the conversation to meet the person or invite them to the coffee table to get a cup of coffee with you. Often after I’ve spoken with a person for a few minutes, I might mention to another person in the sanctuary or at coffee hour that so-and-so over there is a newcomer as a way of inviting others to engage with them.
    

7. Try to be attentive (before the service and during coffee hour especially) when there are people sitting or standing around by themselves and go speak to them. Bring someone else with you if you don’t want to go strike up a conversation alone! It’s difficult to stand there by yourself when you don’t know anyone in the congregation yet! If they’re sticking around, you can assume they’d like to be approached!

 

Thanks for continuing to be a hospitable presence to those showing up at UBC, discerning whether to make this their spiritual home.

 

Blessings,

Cody​​​