|
|
Whose Terror Is It, Anyway? II
"The Abuse of Tamar"
2 Samuel 13:1-22
A sermon preached by The Rev. Douglas M. Donley
LENT II
This is the second sermon in which
we explore the topic of our Lenten Season: “Whose Terror is it, Anyway?” We are
looking at texts of terror, seeing if any of them sound familiar, seeing if we
can learn from them, seeing if there is some redemption that we can find
through our exploration that can make us more humble, compassionate, brave and
even faithful people. That’s our
task.
Even as we tell these horrific
stories, remember friends, God has not left us comfortless. God will not leave us without a sense of
hope, if we are willing to step out in faith and seek it. Sometimes that hope comes in just telling the
story. Sometimes that hope comes from
having a friend, family member or a church brother or sister hearing our
stories, even those of suffering, pain and shame. Sometimes that hope comes from creating a
world in which situations of violence and injustice are a distant memory
instead of a constant fear. But it all
starts here. It all starts with telling
the story. It all starts with us.
Today, we explore the story of
Tamar. I want to tell this story because
it mirrors the stories many of us have heard from those who have felt the
bitter sting of sexism and the powerlessness of abuse. Not surprisingly, we don't like to tell
stories like this. But to silence such stories
creates an atmosphere where abuse festers and continues unchallenged.
This our
story as a society, even as people of faith.
Now, Tamar was no ordinary
woman. She was a princess. She was the daughter of David, the King of
Israel. The Bible tells us that she was young
and beautiful. The story also tells us
that she was wise and courageous, a sharp contrast to the ugliness of her
brothers and her father. She had
everything going for her in terms of worldly status, as much as a woman could,
that is. In spite of the glass ceiling
of patriarchy, she had position, wealth and influence. What was working against her was a family
that did not care about her. Tamar's
family, you see was more interested in saving face for the male sons of David,
than they were about the dignity of Tamar.
King David had many wives and many
children as was the custom in the
Absalom was savvy and even corrupt
in his pursuit of power. The greed and
arrogance of Amnon and Absalom brought both of them
to an early death. I tell all of this as
a way to set the stage for what happened to Tamar.
Amnon's
mother was named Ahinoam. Absalom and Tamar's mother was named Maachah. Since they
shared David as their common father, they were family. Tamar was Absalom's
full sister and Amnon's half-sister.
Now, Amnon
fell in love with Tamar. The Bible says
he fell in love, but it was more like he fell in lust for her. Many of us confuse lust with love. Survivors of incest confuse sex with love, since
sex is seen through the immature eyes of a child as a way to earn the love of a
certain family member. True love,
according to M. Scott Peck in his book The Road Less Traveled, is the
commitment to your partner's spiritual growth.
Lust has a lot more to do with hormones than it has to do with love or
respect. Lust is also not always shared
by the object of the lust. When lust
combines with arrogance, shame and the need for power, the result is often
rape.
Amnon was
so in lust with Tamar that he made himself ill.
She was a virgin and his half-sister and it seemed to him that he could
do nothing about his lust but fantasize.
But where there is a will there is a way. Where there is power and disrespect for
another, there is the abuse of power and the creation of a victim. Amnon had a
scoundrel of a friend by the name of Jonadab who
devised a cruel plan so that Amnon could have his way
with Tamar. Jonadab
told Amnon to act like he was sick and ask to have
Tamar come to take care of him.
"Then," he said, "you can have
your way with her."
There are plenty of Amnons and Jonadabs around even
today. I remember ordering drinks at a
fraternity party a lifetime ago. The
bartender, let’s call him Jonadab, dutifully poured
twice as much alcohol in my date’s drink.
The implication with a wink and a nod was obvious. The sad thing is that none of us objected to
this practice, so arrogant were we, such products of a sexist and abusive
culture.
I am a recovering sexist with a
propensity for abuse that I need to be conscious of. I am a product of my culture, my family, my
gender, my religion. But that is not
where I have to stay. I am also a believer
in a God who calls us to have all of our relationships based upon justice and
love.
Tamar came to take care of her
supposedly sick half-brother. Amnon fantasized as he watched her make cakes for him. When the cakes were ready, he refused to eat
the food. He sent everyone out of his
bed chamber except for Tamar. He said to
her, "bring the food into the chamber, so that I
may eat from your hand."(2 Sam. 13:9)
You know what happened next. When Tamar came into the bed chamber, Amnon grabbed her and said, "come
lie with me, my sister." But she
said, "NO!" Any sexual contact
that happens after someone has said “no” is considered rape. Very clearly she said, "No, my brother,
do not force me; for such a thing is not done in
Tamar did not want this to
happen. She had trusted him, and now he
was about to violate her. So Tamar
fought back. She struggled with all of
her power to maintain her composure and her pride. She even thought up a plan of her own. She told him, "speak
to the King; for he will not withhold me from you." (
In those days, it was not uncommon
to marry your own half-sister, but only with the permission of her father. If Amnon could
simply ask David for Tamar's hand in marriage, he could have her. Tamar saw the writing on the wall. She knew that Amnon
was going to have his way with her. All
she asked of him was to provide her with a shred of dignity.
But remember, Tamar not only
represented his sexual lust but also his lust for power. To shame Tamar would also shame Absalom, her
brother, his nemesis. Tamar was an
innocent pawn in this sibling rivalry; a victim of Amnon's
greedy lust.
Amnon did not listen to her. He was stronger than she, and he raped her.
And as soon as he had finished, the
Bible says that Amnon was "seized with great
loathing for her. Indeed his loathing
was even greater than the lust he had felt for her." (
You can see that his interest in her was not love, but lust.
Amnon
told her to get out. But Tamar was a
courageous woman who would not shed her dignity. She pleaded with Amnon,
"This wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to
me." (
Tamar was adorned as a virgin with
a long-sleeved robe. She tore the sleeves
off her robe, put ashes on her head and went away crying. She had lost her dignity and her power. A woman,
who had been involved in an incident of incest, according to Leviticus 18 and
19, was to be punished. Tamar's
punishment was to remain barren for the rest of her life. In a society in which a woman's worth was
measured by how many sons she could bare, this served to make her a non-person
in most people's eyes. The Bible says
that she spent the rest of her years lonely and desolate.
But that is not where the story
ends. Tamar's brother Absalom asked her
what had happened, even though he already suspected that Amnon
had violated her. Absalom heightened her
shame by saying, "Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother; do not
take this to heart."(
"Don't worry so
much."
"It ain't so bad."
"Boys will be boys."
"He is your brother after all,
it's not like he was a stranger."
"Too bad you are so
good-looking, maybe this wouldn't have happened to you if you were
uglier."
King David heard of this and he was
furious, but he would not punish Amnon, because he
loved him. David did not remove Tamar's
shame, either.
The fact is that Tamar was abused
by Amnon by his raping her.
Tamar was abused by Absalom by his
not listening to her cries of pain.
Tamar was abused by David by his
silence in the face of family violence.
Tamar was abused by a society which
said that a man can get away with rape and a woman who is an innocent victim
must bear the shame and disgrace for the rest of her life.
Tamar was abused by a religion
which supported all of the men and ignored the women.
And the scariest part of all of this
is that three thousand years later it is still happening.
I hear countless stories of people who have been violated by family or friends who were blamed and eventually scarred by the trauma of the experience and the desire of the men or the society, or the family, or the church to keep silent.
Tamar's witness to us today says
that she too was an innocent victim. And
if we are true to our faith which is a faith of love and justice, then we must
say that Tamar's violation and the violation of countless other Tamars was not part of God's plan. God's plan is that we must learn from these
stories of pain and suffering and make sure they do not happen again. Think what would happen if all of the
churches committed themselves to believing that we must not make any more Tamars in this world.
We must not make any more innocent victims of our senseless desires for
power.
You and I follow a savior who
rejected the injustices of a patriarchal and misogynist religion.
When a woman was supposedly caught
in adultery, Jesus said to those who trumped up the charges, "Whoever is
without sin, let them cast the first stone." To her, Jesus said, "Who stands here
accusing you?" She answered him,
"Why none stand here accusing me."
Jesus responded, "Then I don't accuse you either. Go your way and sin no more." (John
8:1-11)
Jesus said in his sermon on the
mount:
You have heard it said, "You
shall not commit adultery, but I say unto you that everyone who looks at a
woman with lust has already committed adultery."
You have heard it said 'you shall
love your neighbors and hate your enemies.'
But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute
you. (Matthew 5)
We follow the one who turned over
the tables of the moneychangers and said that "My house shall be a house
of prayer but you have made it a den of thieves."(John 2:16)
We follow a God who said through
the prophet Micah that God requires us to “do justice, love mercy, and walk
humbly with God.” (Micah 6:8)
We follow one who said we shall be
the repairers of the breach and the restorers of streets to live in. (Isaiah
58:12)
We follow one who weeps at abuse
and is impatient until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like
and ever-flowing stream (Amos 5:24)
We worship in a community that
welcomes and affirms all people and says that we will know we are Christians by
our love. And we do not confuse love
with lust and abuse.
We follow a God who has not
forgotten the Tamars of this world.
We follow a God who is furious with
us for settling for a world in which rape and murder and injustice and apathy
can reign supreme.
We follow a God who says that our
churches must be places of hope and refuge—asylums, sanctuaries from the evils
of the world—places where we can confess our sins and garner strength for the
journey ahead of us.
The God whom we follow is the God
of Tamar. God is a God who looks to the
outcast with compassion.
So, today, we break the silence of
Tamar.
Today, we feel the pain.
Today, we commit our lives to the
good news to such an extent that we will not permit this evil to happen again.
May our life together in this
community of faith be one in which we can hear the cries of a sister in pain
and disgrace.
May we provide the hope, the
acceptance and all the love we can give.
May we never settle for silence in
the face of abuse.
Instead, may the telling of these
stories break down the walls of sexism, of abuse, of misogyny, of injustice and
make room for us to one day live in peace and love.
Amen.